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Comment of the Fortnight
14 April 2004
“American President”

News item: a popular television show where viewers vote for their favorite singer was delayed one day in order to televise a presidential news conference.

Ryan: OK, folks, that was George W. in his third press conference. Now, let’s hear from the judges. Randy?

Randy: Dawg, you were just all over the place with that one. You started off slow, and it seemed like you were on gonna forget the words a few times. It was just a’ight, man. Definitely not your best work.

Ryan: Paula?

Paula: You have a wonderful personality, and when you connect with the audience, it’s great. But you just didn’t do that tonight. You’ve only given three of these press conferences, and sweetheart, I really think you need more practice.

Ryan: Over to you, Simon.

Simon: Randy and Paula, you are being far too kind. That was an absolutely dreadful performance. Aside from the poor choice of tie...

Paula: This isn’t “American Fashion Model,” Simon.

Simon: I know that, but details do count. Look. Your prepared comments were well-structured and methodical, if ploddingly presented. But when you started answering questions, you simply went off the rails. When you actually addressed the question being asked, you rambled on well after having given an adequate answer. Paula is right—you did not connect with the audience. Dr. Rice and Mr. Rove did not look at all pleased, and neither was I. I’m being honest here; it was simply awful. Not at all presidential.

(Boos from right side of audience)

Ryan: OK, you’ve heard from the judges, but they aren’t the ones who make the decision. It’s up to you to choose the American President. Remember, the polls do not open until November, so don’t fill in those absentee ballots right now. Thanks for watching, and be sure to tune in for our next “American President,” where the theme will be “convention acceptance speeches.” Thank you, and good night!

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